the revised devil's dictionary 

Classic Quotes  

   
Anonymous

The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

Lily Tomlin

Rita Rudner

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I used to be snow white, but I drifted.

Mae West

Anonymous

Q: Why don't the British make computers? 

A: They couldn't figure out a way for them to leak oil.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. 

Dave Barry

P. J. O'Rourke

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

Elayne Boosler

Richard M. Nixon

I would have made a good Pope.

Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all. 

Joan Jett

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 Ambrose Bierce

happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

Gilda Radner 

Leo Rosten

Humor is, I think, the subtlest and chanciest of literary forms. It is surely not accidental that there are a thousand novelists, essayists, poets or journalists for each humorist. It is a long, long time between James Thurbers.

No male can beat a female in the long run because they have it over us in sheer, damn longevity.

James Thurber

Will Rogers

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
I'm trying to find myself. Has anyone seen me lately?

Anonymous

Noelie Altito

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Never judge a book by its movie.

J. W. Eagan

Ashley Montague

The evidence indicates that woman is, on the whole, biologically superior to man.

I'm probably the most normal, down-to-earth human being you've ever seen.

Tammy Faye Bakker-Messner

 
   
Jay Leno

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes. 

 Adlai Stevenson

Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on a metaphysical exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Hillary Clinton

Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 

Rita Rudner

Dave Berry

Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Elwood: "It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses." 

Jake: "Hit it!"

Blues Brothers

Ashleigh Brilliant

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

Michael J. Fox

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Anonymous

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

Dan Quayle

P. J. O'Rourke

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

P.S. This Internet of yours is a wonderful invention.

George W. Bush  e-mail to Vice President Al Gore

Brien's First Law

At some time in the life cycle of every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. 

Ambrose Bierce

Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.

History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.

Clarence Darrow

Thomas Sowell

'Fair' is one of the most dangerous concepts in politics. Since no two people are likely to agree on what is 'fair,' this means that there must be some third party with power -- the government -- to impose its will. The road to despotism is paved with 'fairness'.

A "good" family, it seems, is one that used to be better.

Cleveland Amory

 
 
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Macho does not prove mucho.

The only really happy folk are married women and single men. 

H. L. Mencken

Walter McDonald

 Alimony: Disinterest, compounded annually.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

W. C. Fields

Dave Barry

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Consultant: any ordinary guy more than fifty miles from home.

Eric Sevareid

Jimi Hendrix

It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you're dead, you're made for life.

Diplomacy, n. is the art of letting somebody else have your way.

David Frost

Dennis Miller

It is wrong to discriminate based on skin color, when there are so many other reasons to dislike someone

I don't want to make the wrong mistake.

Yogi Berra

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Red Buttons

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.r

Rita Rudner

Winston Churchill

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

Beckoning a waiter J. P. Morgan once ordered a beer while saying, 'When Morgan drinks, everybody drinks.' Everybody had a beer and when Morgan had finished, he slapped a dime upon the table, saying, 'When Morgan pays, everybody pays.'

J. P. Morgan

Charlie Brown

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"  Then a voice answers  Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up. 
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. 

Anonymous

Lillian Gish

You know, when I first went into the movies Lionel Barrymore played my grandfather. Later he played my father and finally he played my husband. If he had lived, I'm sure I would have played his mother.

Line Dancing: Now you know what happens when cousins breed. 

Anonymous

Tallulah Bankhead

I read Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That's what I call a liberal education.

Bessie Braddock: Winston, you're drunk!

Churchill  Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow I'll be sober.

 
    
Ambrose Bierce

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

it's all right letting yourself go as long as you can get yourself back.

Mick Jagger

        Mary Dorsey

Alimony: Billing minus cooing.

Lady Astor: If you were my husband, Winston, I'd put poison in your tea. 

Churchill: If I were your husband, Nancy, I'd drink it.

Francious de la Rochefoucauld

Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors.
You can always reason with a German.  You can always reason with a barnyard animal, for all the good it does you.

P. J. O'Rourke

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updated 08/03/02