More Classic Quotes |
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| Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun. |
Ash: From Army of Darkness |
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Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead. |
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Lilly Tomlin |
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To err is human, but it feels divine. |
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| Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks. |
Eric Sevareid |
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Will Rogers |
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. | |
| I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. |
Chico Marx |
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| Charles deGaulle |
How can one conceive of a one-party system in a country that has over two hundred varieties of cheese? |
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| I bear no grudges. I have a mind that retains nothing. |
Bette Midler |
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P. J. O'Rourke |
How much fame, money, and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face. |
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| My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. |
Rita Rudner |
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| Anita Weiss |
I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid, and New York was the only place where my fears were justified. |
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| Montana --- At least our cows are sane! |
Anonymous |
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| Jack Benny |
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. |
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| I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid. |
Dorothy Parker |
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Joan Rivers |
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. | |
| Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God . . . I could be eating a slow learner. |
Lynda Montgomery |
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Liz Winston |
I think, therefore I'm single. |
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| I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. |
Zsa Zsa Gabor |
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| Linda Ellerbee |
We call them twinkies. You've seen them on television acting the news, modeling and fracturing the news while you wonder whether they've read the news -- or if they've blown dried their brains, too. |
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| A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever. |
Helen Rowland |
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| Anonymous |
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German and it's all organized by the Italians. |
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| The New England conscience. . . doesn't stop you from doing what you shouldn't -- it just stops you from enjoying it. |
Cleveland Amory |
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| Richard Armour |
It is all right to hold a conversation but you should let go of it now and then. |
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| If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. |
George Carlin |
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J. Edgar Hoover |
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. | |
| I'm as pure as the driven slush. |
Tallulah Bankhead |
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P.J. O'Rourke |
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. |
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| The major difference between rats and people is that rats learn from experience. |
B. F. Skinner |
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| Segal's Law |
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. |
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| Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together. |
Carl Zwanig |
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| Dan Quayle |
What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. |
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| bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. |
Ambrose Bierce |
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Yogi Berra |
When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it. |
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| If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. |
W. C. Fields |
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Edward Abbey |
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. | |
| Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up. |
Anonymous |
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Ronald Reagan |
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. |
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| Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. |
Fran Lebowitz |
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| Hermann Goering |
The Americans cannot build aeroplanes. They are very good at refrigerators and razor blades. |
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| My mother buried three husbands . . . and two of them were only napping. |
Rita Rudner |
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| Adolf Hitler |
Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer |
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| One World, One Web, One Program |
Microsoft Promotional Ad |
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| Winston Churchill |
Fanatic: One who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. |
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| A fanatic is a man that does what he things th' Lord wud do if He knew th' facts iv th' case. |
Finley Peter Dunne |
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Mark Russell |
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. |
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| We need a president who's fluent in at least one language. |
Buck Henry |
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| H.L. Mencken |
If Los Angeles is not the one authentic rectum of civilization, then I am no anatomist. Any time you want to go out again and burn it down, count me in. |
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| Chance. The pseudonym of God when He did not want to sign. |
Anatole France |
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| Groucho Marx |
I've had a lovely evening. Unfortunately this wasn't it. |
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| Patriotism. The last refuge of a scoundrel. |
Samual Johnson |
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| Franz Kafka |
Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy |
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| If one permits an infidel to continue in his role as a corrupter of the earth, his moral suffering will be all the worse. If one kills the infidel, and this stops him from perpetrating his misdeeds, his death will be a blessing to him. For if he remains alive, he will become more and more corrupt. This is a surgical operation commanded by God the all powerful. |
Ayatollah Khomeini |
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| Don Marquis |
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. |
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| The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots. |
H. L. Mencken |
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Christopher Morley |
New York: The nation's thyroid gland. | |
| George Bernard Shaw writes plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve. |
Jean Nathan |
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| James Thurber |
The naked truth about me is to the naked truth of Salvador Dali as an old ukelele in the attic is to a piano in a tree, and I mean a piano with breasts. |
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| I'm a John Denver freak, and I don't give a sh*t that he looks like a f***ing turkey. |
Grace Slick |
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| Ronald Reagan |
Commenting on Eastwood's bid for mayor of Carmel -- "What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" |
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| Madonna: She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else. |
Morrissey |
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| Walter Kerr |
Ethel Merman: Brassy, brazen witch on a mortgaged broomstick, a steamroller with cleats. |
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| Marilyn Monroe: She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short. |
Clive James |
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| Steve Martin |
I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was -- an Arctic region covered with ice. |
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| Mickey Rooney: His favorite exercise is climbing tall people |
Phyllis Diller |
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Damon Runyon |
Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. | |
| It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. |
Rod Serling |
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| Tammy Faye Bakker |
I take Him shopping with me. I say, "OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain." |
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| Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? |
Rita Rudner |
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| James Thurber |
It had only one fault. It was kind of lousy. |
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| Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. |
George Orwell |
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| Anonymous |
What's wrong Abby? Nothing a rooftop and an AK-47 won't take care of. |
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| Biography is one of the new terrors of death. |
John Arbuthnot |
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| Anonymous |
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh. |
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| In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. |
Yogi Berra |
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Peter S. Prescott |
Many books today suggest that the mass of woman lead lives of noisy desperation. | |
| Just remember, we're all in this alone. |
Lily Tomlin |
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| Joseph Stalin |
Sincere diplomacy is no more possible than dry water or wooden iron. |
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| Success covers a multitude of blunders. |
George Bernard Shaw |
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| Mae West |
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. |
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| I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. |
Lily Tomlin |
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