the revised devil's dictionary 

                         More Classic Quotes

Good.  Bad.  I'm  the guy with the gun.

Ash:  From Army of Darkness  

James Thurber

Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.

The trouble with the rat race is that if you win you're still a rat.

Lilly Tomlin

Mae West

To err is human, but it feels divine.

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.

Eric Sevareid

Will Rogers

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.

Chico Marx

Charles deGaulle

How can one conceive of a one-party system in a country that has over two hundred varieties of cheese?

I bear no grudges. I have a mind that retains nothing.

Bette Midler

P. J. O'Rourke

How much fame, money, and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Rita Rudner

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Anita Weiss

I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid, and New York was the only place where my fears were justified.

Montana --- At least our cows are sane!

Anonymous

Jack Benny

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

Dorothy Parker

Joan Rivers

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God . . . I could be eating a slow learner.

Lynda Montgomery

Liz Winston

I think, therefore I'm single.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Linda Ellerbee

We call them twinkies. You've seen them on television acting the news, modeling and fracturing the news while you wonder whether they've read the news -- or if they've blown dried their brains, too.

A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.

Helen Rowland

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Anonymous

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organized by the Swiss. 

Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German and it's all organized by the Italians.

The New England conscience. . . doesn't stop you from doing what you shouldn't -- it just stops you from enjoying it.

Cleveland Amory

Richard Armour

It is all right to hold a conversation but you should let go of it now and then.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

George Carlin

J. Edgar Hoover

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
I'm as pure as the driven slush.

Tallulah Bankhead

P.J. O'Rourke

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

The major difference between rats and people is that rats learn from experience.

B. F. Skinner

Segal's Law

A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together.

Carl Zwanig

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Dan Quayle 

What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.

bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

Ambrose Bierce

Yogi Berra

When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields

Edward Abbey

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up.

Anonymous

Ronald Reagan

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.

Fran Lebowitz

Hermann Goering

The Americans cannot build aeroplanes. They are very good at refrigerators and razor blades.

My mother buried three husbands . . . and two of them were only napping.

Rita Rudner

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Adolf Hitler

Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer

One World, One Web, One Program 

Microsoft Promotional Ad

Winston Churchill

Fanatic: One who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

A fanatic is a man that does what he things th' Lord wud do if He knew th' facts iv th' case.

Finley Peter Dunne

Mark Russell

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.

Buck Henry

H.L. Mencken

If Los Angeles is not the one authentic rectum of civilization, then I am no anatomist. Any time you want to go out again and burn it down, count me in.

Chance. The pseudonym of God when He did not want to sign.

Anatole France

Groucho Marx

I've had a lovely evening. Unfortunately this wasn't it.

Patriotism. The last refuge of a scoundrel.

Samual Johnson

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Franz Kafka

Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy

If one permits an infidel to continue in his role as a corrupter of the earth, his moral suffering will be all the worse. If one kills the infidel, and this stops him from perpetrating his misdeeds, his death will be a blessing to him. For if he remains alive, he will become more and more corrupt. This is a surgical operation commanded by God the all powerful.

Ayatollah Khomeini

Don Marquis

An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots. 

H. L. Mencken

Christopher Morley

New York: The nation's thyroid gland.
George Bernard Shaw writes plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve. 

Jean Nathan

James Thurber

The naked truth about me is to the naked truth of Salvador Dali as an old ukelele in the attic is to a piano in a tree, and I mean a piano with breasts.

I'm a John Denver freak, and I don't give a sh*t that he looks like a f***ing turkey.

Grace Slick

Ronald Reagan

Commenting on Eastwood's bid for mayor of Carmel -- "What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"

Madonna: She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else.

Morrissey

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Walter Kerr

Ethel Merman: Brassy, brazen witch on a mortgaged broomstick, a steamroller with cleats.

Marilyn Monroe: She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short.

Clive James

Steve Martin

I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was -- an Arctic region covered with ice.

Mickey Rooney: His favorite exercise is climbing tall people

Phyllis Diller

Damon Runyon

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

Rod Serling

Tammy Faye Bakker

I take Him shopping with me. I say, "OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain."

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Rita Rudner

James Thurber

It had only one fault. It was kind of lousy.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

George Orwell

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Anonymous

What's wrong Abby? 

Nothing a rooftop and an AK-47 won't take care of.

Biography is one of the new terrors of death. 

John Arbuthnot

Anonymous

Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

Yogi Berra

Peter S. Prescott

Many books today suggest that the mass of woman lead lives of noisy desperation.
Just remember, we're all in this alone.

Lily Tomlin

Joseph Stalin

Sincere diplomacy is no more possible than dry water or wooden iron.

Success covers a multitude of blunders.

George Bernard Shaw

Mae West

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

 

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Updated 08/03/03