Updated 07/26/03

the revised devil's dictionary 

vol. 4 no. 13

Copyright July 26, 2004, by T. G. Browning. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to quote any of the definitions, laws, or aphorisms, as long as proper attribution is given.

Greetings all,

The political situation is deteriorating rapidly. All the signs are there that the election of 2004 will go down as one of the most bitterly fought elections in the history of the United States.

I have an open comment to both of our presidential candidates.

*

Gentlemen, please do the people of this country the honor of conducting this particular campaign solely on the grounds of the issues.  No spin. No cheap shots. No aspersions of the other candidateís motives or morals.

Take responsibility for the campaign and quit hiding behind political action committees, unofficial advocates, the flag, patriotism, high sounding moral stances or any actions taken over twenty years ago.

Kerry-óshut up about Dubyaís National Guard record or lack thereof or whatever. Enough is enough.

Dubya-óshut up about Kerryís anti-war activities after his return from Viet Nam, or whether he changes his mind on occasion.  Do I have to remind you, that youíve changed your mind on occasion as well?

Stick to issues that are current and important.

If you have a hard time remembering what those might be, hereís a brief list:

1: Do we as a nation still require the services of the Bill of Rights? A simple yes or no will do. Remember, the oath of office for the presidency of the United States of America is to uphold and protect those freedoms against all threats, foreign or domestic?

2: Do we as a nation, intend to poke our nose into the affairs of other nations? If so, how much and how often?

3: Do the states have any authority, whatsoever? If so, what? In what areas should they be limited and where should they not be?

4: Does a budget deficit matter? Do we as a nation want to go into debt in the trillions of dollars? If so, for how long? If not, how do we avoid it?

5: Do we want the federal government regulating our lives? If so, how much? Our public lives? Or private lives? Our individual ethics and morals?

6: Do we want to use all of our natural resources? If not, how much should be left for future generations?

7: Do we as a nation demand to be safe? Or do we demand the right to take our own chances? Should we be protected from 1 chance in 1000 of being harmed? 1 in 10,000? 1 in 100,000? Where do we draw the line?

Iíve tried not to put any spin on the issues I mentioned above. I doubt either of you gentlemen can point to a single instance of the above 7 categories being slanted to one ideology or another.

Myself, Iím bloody sick of ideology. Iím bloody sick of posturing, of sound bites, of what is in my mind, cruel and far too usual a punishment of the collective patience of the nation. Quite frankly, I loath the both of you. And that goes double for your running mates.

Grow up, you jerks. Act like statesman, not politicians.

And would somebody, somewhere, please shut Ralph Nader up? Canít we get him muzzled for the next four months? Iím willing to put up money if it would help . . .

*

Will the above do any good you think?

Nah, of course not.

I donít need to be psychic to realize that none of the issues Iíve mentioned will be discussed in anything but jingoistic, 30 second sound bites. I donít need a crystal ball to see that both political parties are so morally bankrupt that they can even begin to understand the source of my disgust with them. I donít need tea leaves, an Ouija board or any of the usual methods of predicting the future.

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* * * * * * * * * * * *

Thatís too bad, now that I think of it. Maybe I just need to learn new methods. And coincidentally, thatís the subject of this addendum to the dictionary.  And itís called . . .

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Message in a Bottle?

aeromancy n. Divination by observation of the weather. Bet you didnít know that your friendly, local weatherman was actually practicing the black art of aeromancy

aleuromancy n. Divination by means of flour, still practiced by the Chinese and countless restaurants across the North American continent in the form of fortune cookies. A novel hybridization of this practice is evolving in the United States that seems to include mystical passes with of a credit card over or through a machine connected to thousands and thousands of other machines, across the country. Mystic fonts of wisdom such as The Midnight Sun, The National Enquirer and Time Magazine had speculated that each pass is supernaturally noted and every thirteenth swipe, as itís called, increases the Universeís karma/debt ratio, thus prolonging the life expectancy of the Universe.

belomancy n. Divination by means of arrows. In less sophisticated cultures, this is often called warfare, or hunting, depending upon whether or not a good wine is available.

gyromancy  n. Divination by walking around a charred circle and noticing the position of body parts.  This particular activity was one of the few employment opportunities sanctioned by the Roman Empire for lepers.

hepatomancy n. Divination by means of the observation of sheep liver. It is said that if the liver continues to move around, an extended journey is a good idea.  Not practiced in ancient Scotland, however, there being no spare sheep livers around.

lecanomancy n. Divination by dropping precious stones into water and listening to the resulting sound.  Bad fortune was usually indicated by whimpering, especially if the water was deep, cold and fast moving.

oinomancy n. Divination by means of wine. One of the few methods of divination known to have a high degree of accuracy since splitting headaches and nausea were generally part of the prediction for the next morning.


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Want to help out and get a laugh at the same time? Buy Caught Dead & Other Catastrophes -- a collection of 24 essays taken from the RDD newsletter. AND, if you use the link below, you can help to keep the book in the top ten print best sellers of Booklocker.com! Currently, itís number #8.

www.booklocker.com

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