the revised devil's dictionary

D d

damnation n 1: A state of carpe diem grace. 2: Possession of a cross-country Greyhound Bus ticket. 3: Having a six foot two, three hundred and eighty pound next door neighbor who has forty-seven partial cars spread over one-half acre.

Dark Moon Culinary Observation 3C obs Too many cooks spoil the missionary.

dead heat phr A competition too close to call or dependence upon crematorial heating.

dead reckoning phr Movement without the advantage of clear, clean foresight, or a clairvoyant knowledge of the political desires of the deceased, as in Chicago and Miami.

deaf ear n The ear this lexicographer uses for incoming telemarketing phone calls.  One of two.

deaf n The inability, in others, to hear and more importantly heed, viciously well-meaning criticism. One would be very wise not to confuse deaf with Deaf, which denotes the deaf community centered around the use of American Sign Language (ASL), and who have a militancy that is both silent and deadly.

death n 1: The cessation of all brain wave activity. It is often preceded by either termination of heart action or a religious conversion. See born again. 2: A minor but interesting reordering of priorities.

debt consolidation n 1: A kind of economic bulimia. 2: A quaintly American custom whereby all of one’s debts are paid off using money from one source, leaving only one larger debt to handle. This makes subsequent bankruptcy proceeding much easier; everything you have gets handed to one party in one consolidated lump.

deconstruction n 1: During the early part of the 20th century, the dismantling of objects. 2: During the latter portion of the 20th century, the dismantling of reason.

deep adj When speaking of canyons and crevasses, lots of vertical empty. When speaking of art and literature, lots of pretentious and multidimensional empty.

Deke’s Quandary obs If your mail is missing, how do you know?

demagogue n Either an unindicted or unpopular politician, generally both.

DEN acronym. The logical next step for current business thinking, Doing More with Less (DML). Short for Doing Everything with Nothing. Interestingly, the Soviets beat us to this concept, which they called the shock worker movement. See The Gulag Archipelago, Book 3.

denial n An emotional state wherein one refuses to acknowledge that the person speaking to them is infallible and possesses unique insights into their private thoughts.

Dennis, Saint pers Patron saint of Paris and the originator of the phrase, “I wouldn’t be caught dead [someplace]”. St. Dennis felt strongly about propriety and when he was beheaded simply picked up his head and went off to find a place where he would be caught dead. Six miles later, he found it.

densify: v The encouragement of run-down, decrepit central business districts and high occupancy, high rent neo-slums or condominiums into zones having limited or no access to the outside world. This will save space, rescue farmland from development, and discourage unwanted, unhygienic neighbors living closer to the planner than twelve miles.

dense adj Objects having a high mass to volume ratio. While this definition is fairly general, it fails for abstract concepts which are often termed dense. unless one believes that the human brain can only hold a finite amount of knowledge—a truism that requires no thought to consider and therefore, doesn’t take up much space, which probably explains why it pops up so often.

dentist n A health care worker who is paid to loiter in the general vicinity of one’s tonsils, with pointed objects and not enough light. 2: In the former Soviet Union, a low steel worker.

Derrida, Jacques pers French critic and philosopher, popular these days because no amount of reasoned analysis can penetrate the imponderable questions any reading of his work forges in the midnight-black of historic, heterodynamic, and pleasingly opaque background noise that is life. In other words, Derrida makes no damn sense so any study of his works cannot be wrong and is as rigorous as one might therefore expect. It is manifestly untrue, by the way, that his doctorial thesis was “Irwin Corey, the Man, the Machine, and the Two Dollar Haircut”. Corey was, however, his undergraduate advisor.

dichotomy n Anything that comes only in two flavors. A false dichotomy is something that only comes in one flavor, generally something spunky like quince, or so in many that the sane want no part of it.

diligence n Failure disguised as a virtue.

Dionysus myth. In Greek mythology, the god of fertility, wine, and advertising. All of which explains the general content of modern advertising.

dirge n Ancient Egyptian wrap music.

disappointment n That feeling one gets when one realizes that the continued existence of the world does not depend upon one’s own existence.

disavow v To deny responsibility for, knowledge of, or agreement with an event or action, but only if such denial can be made by a lower level staff member with some credibility. Otherwise, this is termed repositioning.

disgust n A primitive emotion wallowed in by lexicographers who have too much bloody time on their hands, too free an access to international and national news reports, and not enough sense to keep in mind that the body politic is never, ever wrong. How can they be? They are after all, in the majority.

dismay n A primitive emotion commonly felt by those who realize that they don’t have enough money to stay pleasantly buzzed for the rest of their life. Or at least until Wednesday.

distort v A peculiar practice of primitive peoples who think things either sound or look better this way, than that. Generally involves forcible applications of something. 2: A method of analyzing the truth using age-old methods, often called revelations, hallucinations, or darn good times.

distraction n Anything the subconscious mind can grab in a fit of pique.

diversity n Ancient Roman Goddess of Mixtures. In ancient times, goats and other animals were sacrificed to appease her while in modern times such items as honesty, intellect, and decency are commonly substituted at this particular altar.

diversity, celebration of phr A compulsory philosophic belief, that life and society are enriched by heterogenic mixing and variety in thought. The ideally diverse state would have all people culturally, linguistically, religiously, morally, and ethically in complete disagreement. See anarchy, the Tower of Babel, or balkanization.

documdramatizationaloid n The ultimate offspring of the gang rape of documentaries by television, drama, journalism and Rupert Murdoch.

dog n 1: A domesticated animal with all of the characteristics required of any good citizen of any large, industrial nation. That is to say, it will obey orders, eat what is available, speak when commanded, shut-up when desired, work diligently for minimal praise, foam-at-the-mouth when required, accept both a choke-collar and a leash, get excited on demand and expire quietly when appropriately drugged. 2: A domesticated animal found in most societies, especially those that have a lot of jobs for anything that likes to run around. Examples would be tracking (fox, deer, people, explosives), herding (cows, goats, sheep, people) or pulling (sleds, chew toys, people). Dogs are thought to be the oldest domesticated animal which just goes to show that doing something right the first time, certainly is no assurance of doing so again. Witness cats, ferrets, llamas and children.

dogs of war n The media.

Dodson’s Observation maxim Science is We; Art is I.

Dole, Robert per. Former senior senator from Kansas and spirit channeler for Wendell Willkie, Alf Landon, and the late Mr. Greenjeans.

Dole’s Dilemma maxim In the war between right and wrong, popular wins.

Doubting Thomas adj Someone insufficiently interested to go along with the gag. See shill.

down-sizing n Convenient double-speak for management style ethic cleansing. See right sizing and restructuring.

Dracula folklore Patron saint of the IRS.

dry socket n A dental condition, generally of an upper tooth, that occurs after a tooth socket is vacated by the tooth proper. It is characterized by the gentle wax and wane of a baroque filigree of pain. One does not exactly experience the pain so much as become the pain, which is the zen way of saying reincarnate now.

Dubya Dubya II n The American-Iraqi War. (Author unknown but reported by Molly Ivins in her column of May 25, 2003.)

dumb n Unable to speak audibly, of limited intellect, or the owner of a both a pet rock and a chia pet. 2: Anybody who draws to an inside straight, buys scratch-off lottery tickets, or believes in astrology.

durable adj In olden times, anything made to last longer than your lifetime like pyramids, anvils, taxes or fruit cakes. In modern times, anything that doesn’t have a pull date or refuses to dissolve in coffee, Coca Cola, or WD-40. 2: Living room furniture made in Bulgaria.

duty n 1: If one’s duty, that which hurts the least. 2: If another’s duty, that which benefits you the most.

dying breed n A smoker.

Dymphna, Saint pers Early Christian martyr and patron saint of people with nervous afflictions. Considering the circumstances of her martyrdom, it’s appropriate.

dysfunctional adj 1: In the early part of the Twentieth century, any family where assault, battery and heavy drinking are regularly scheduled events. In the latter part of the Twentieth century, it’s come to mean any family that had human beings for members.