the revised devil's dictionary

E e

economic indicator n In a bull market, gout; in a bear market, pellagra or beriberi, depending on oneís proximity to Georgia.

Edward, John pers The star of a syndicated television program who is constantly pestered by dead people for free air time. The show itself is done before a reputably live audience.  As cold readers go, heís only fair. The program is called Crossing Over and it does manage to cross over the bounds of credulity with great aplomb.  Note, Edward's program was eventually cancelled when it was discovered that the audience was entirely composed of escapees from the Patterson, NJ state home for the bewildered.

Eisensteinís Law of Laws obs Most laws are passed not through eloquence, but exhaustion.

Eisensteinís Theory of Ethics obs Done with sufficient speed and misdirection, two wrongs do make a right.

Eisensteinís of Legality obs The ends litigate the means.

Eisensteinís Theory of Relativity obs When youíre rich, everybodyís a relative.

electoral college n 18th Century Exit Polling.

Ellisonís Observation maxim Religion is Godís punishment for the sin of blind belief.

embalm v A slow process self-achieved by some before death or an expensive one applied after. See pickling.

embedded adj A highly irritating object such as a sliver of wood or TV journalist.

embrace v To convince oneself that a poke in the eye with a blunt stick is a good thing, especially if there are plenty of sharp sticks around.

emigrant n 1: Someone who manages to exchange one horrible, disgusting country for another, equally disgusting but now unfamiliar country. 2: One who emigrates, which sounds more arduous than it is, given sufficient funds.

emotionally unavailable adj Characterized by the inability to donate time, energy, or finances to a lost cause.

empathize v To put oneself in the place of another and feel what they would feel, under the same circumstances. In earlier times this was considered the mark of a sensitive person, though in these later, more technologically augmented and frenetic times, it probably should be considered attempted fraud. DNA tests make empathy very difficult.

empowerment n 1: The act of telling people that they have been empowered. 2: Transferring the illusion of power or control to a select group.

enabler n A person who lives in close contact with either an addict or drunk and can conveniently be blamed for all the otherís sins, faults and cretinous behavior.

endemic adj Prevalent in a peculiar or limited area, like surfers in Idaho, Methodists in Afghanistan, or philanthropists in corporate America. See epidemic,

engagement n Either the formal prelude to marriage or a skirmish. Itís difficult to determine the difference which isnít surprising since the differences are minor and weapons are often employed in both.

enlightened self-interest n Originated by Ayn Rand, an oxymoronic code of conduct where actions are based upon a rational analysis of oneís best interests. Good luck.

ennui n Scoliosis of the soul.

envy n A common human emotion, much more pleasant to incite than to endure.

equality n A banal measurement of the difference between theory and practice since that distance is only known to be very large and relative to boot.

epidemic adj Widely prevalent or spreading rapidly like stupid in a riot or lawyers at an accident. See endemic and pandemic.

escherized adj That state of optical shock felt when the eye sees but the brain doesnít buy it. From Mauritis Cornelius Escher, Dutch artist.

espresso n Designer coffee for people with low self-esteem. A study conducted by the Center for Conservative, Right-Wing Zealots done in 1992 proved conclusively that there were only fourteen people in the Western Hemisphere who actually liked espresso and thirteen of them were members of a cult based in the Andes known to make herbal teas out of anything they could find, capture, or bore to death. The fourteenth person was a retired Army Master Sergeant who had donated his taste buds to science when he had left the service.

estuary n 1: Mudflat. 2: A low rent swamp. A high rent swamp is called Florida.

ethics n 1: A moral system of values based on a sliding scale, determined solely by context and expedience, particularly in government. 2: A verbal sleight-of-hand rationale for any action or deed.

ethnic cleansing n A vigorous, spirited game of the Balkans. Currently franchise opportunities are being granted by the United Nations.

eulogy n Spin doctoring of the dead.

evangelist n A person who proselytizes his faith at greater than eighty-eight decibels. In the Middle Ages, evangelists were often stoned. Today, they are given first TV shows, then generally five to ten in a federal prison.

expert n One who knows enough jargon to be both confusing and dangerous.

export n Goods or services sold abroad. Third world countries typically export raw materials like minerals or people. Industrialized nations typically export washing machines, napalm, nerve gas, and Rambo movies.

extreme adj Fad word nominee from the United States for the Most Banal Adjective of the year 2005. Means anything that shouldnít be done by the sentient.

extreme ironing sport A new form of bemused stupidity currently active in the United States and Brittan. See Sunday Morning, CBS, November 7, 2003.