the revised devil's dictionary


Ff

fable n In management circles, the preferred avenue of spread for misinformation, lies, and propaganda by upper management. Generally implemented as Phase II of the team building process. Typically, certain personalities from earlier administrations are singled out as “hooks” to attach stories propagandizing team concepts.

face time n 1: Quality suck up time. 2: A peculiar but fresh idea currently stalking the Great American Business scene wherein people recognize that sometimes one is forced to talk to other people directly, vis-à-vis, rather than via email, telephones, camcorders, or bullhorns.

fail-safe adj 1: arch. Any process with redundant error checking, thereby allowing the safe failure of one or more components. 2: Any process or system that has, as yet, not been reenigineered.

fair play n 1: Any legally sanctioned monopoly. 2: Marvelous concept peculiar to thirteen year olds and Americans, which is said to describe even handed, equal treatment for everyone. No concrete examples are actually known to exist.

fag n For smokers and red-necks, something that the burning of which provides great pleasure.

fascist n Any person who is two steps to the political right of the speaker, unless the speaker is an anarcho-syndicalist, in which case, everyone is a fascist.

fast food n Obviously, not fast enough else it wouldn’t be food.

faith n Belief in something without proof, logic, context, or monetary reward. If a monetary reward is involved, it’s called fraud. See spiritual.

fat adj Any of the working poor who weighs more than you think they should. See obese.

fate n The inevitable counter to one’s insignificance.

felon n 1: After a leveraged buyout, former upper level management. 2: An unreelected politician.

feminist n A person who believes that the female of the species has rights and attributes above and beyond decoration, gestation, or titillation.

fiber n 1: Burlap. 2: That portion of one’s food that contains vegetable fibers. Current nutritional thought is that the more fiber in the diet, the healthier the diet. By this measurement, the people of Leningrad during the siege of WWII, whose diet consisted of approximately 400 grams of bread a day (which was 30% sawdust) were the healthiest people to die of starvation in history. 3: In German cooking, food with corners.

fiction n 1: A prose narrative where events are imaginary, such as short stories, novels, and all trial transcripts of treason. 2: Twenty-first century memoirs.

fire engine n 1: The Swiss Army knife of emergency vehicles. 2: A paint color used on cars that ought to be able to go very fast but never get driven at all because the car is actually made of plastic and about six inches long.

flagger n A person who is employed to personally direct traffic on or around construction sites with a octagon shaped paddle, a small flag, and lots and lots of personal insurance. Those that have spouses and children, anyway. The phrase “the quick and the dead” carries profound meaning to these people.

flattening management v 1990’s technique to cut costs and enhance productivity by treating midlevel managers within five years of retirement much like a watermelon seed pressed firmly between thumb and forefinger.

Forbes’ Rationale maxim The road to success is paved with bodies.

Forbes’ Rationale Revisited maxim The best paving stones are the bodies of friends.

foreign adj Anyone or anything from a place sufficiently far away as to be unfamiliar, but insufficiently far away to prevent an unpleasant and possibly disgusting leakage of contact. See emigrant.

freud n Ubiquitous misspelling of the word fraud.

friendly fire n Hunting with Dick Cheney. A no host bar is optional.

fruitcake n An allegedly edible cake that contains citron and enough alcohol to be dangerous. The gift of a fruitcake violates both the Geneva Convention and good taste.

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