the revised devil's dictionary

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gain-sharing n A interesting but sadistic version of the badger game.

gauche adj Lacking in tact or polish. In actual fact, this borrowed French word, when applied to the wealthy, simply means that a person has lots of cash, stolen sometime after one’s own theft of wealth. Some things, too, are inherently gauche. Spitting contests, for example, as well as thumb wrestling, mud wrestling, manual labor, sales, and barbecues are all irrevocably gauche. Nose, ear, eyelid, navel, tongue, or genital piercing isn’t. Go figure.

garage n A useful approximation to a black hole; things go in and not much ever comes out.

Gates, Bill pers The Geek God of Greed.

Geller, Uri pers Israeli psychic or mentalist. His shtick is the bending of spoons by the use mental gullibility.

ghost n A feeble representation of something not present, like ethics in business, or mercy at a ramp sale.

Gibberanto n A synthetic language, bastard offspring of the Internationalist/Esperanto movement and 20th Century trends in Jargonish/Bureaucratese. Used by cable companies, closed captioning institutes and first time offenders of the Politically Correct Code for Diversity in Programming (PCCDP). Root words are borrowed from English, Spanish, Esperanto and Sumerian. Has the advantage of requiring no specific alphabet and can therefore be used by Arabic, Cyrillic , and Western European cable companies. Only requires a 2nd grade education to use. Only has three parts of speech, (considered a technical miracle by linguists), which are: Subject, Verbect and Duh. Currently, the Institute for Advanced Fungi Education is working on a Signed, Braille equivalent for use by the deaf and blind, killing two birds with one stone. Rumor has it that the United States Department of Education is considering several studies, particularly in voucher schools. See Jargonish, Bureaucratese

Gingrich, Newt person A convincing argument for the practice of killing and eating one’s off-spring.

goblin n A species of critter reportedly infecting Europe during the late Middle Ages. Most if not all authentic sightings have turned out to be escaped monks, driven insane by forced labor in fruitcake factories.

god-fearing adj A person who has a warped view of life since a cursory look at the newspapers argues for the position of man-fearing.

Goering’s Observation maxim A quick disaster draws ten times the sympathy of slow motion disasters. Famines are not big crowd pleasers.

golden handshake n During the early part of the 20th century, a retirement bonus. However, this gradually evoluved under strenuous Republican nurturing into a pre-retirement eligibility layoff. It’s now known as the golden finger.

Goldschmidt’s Credo maxim The difference between an affair and statutory rape is thirty years and over two hundred thousand dollars.

golf n An elaborate and inflamed version of outdoor marbles, steelies and drops not allowed. Of Scottish origin, golf can be viewed as a major justification for England assuming administration of the country. However, recent studies indicate that the historic Scottish diet, which consisted of suet, internal organs and prefiberous oats, is more likely the cause.

GPS abbr Technical marvel that invented far too late to have aided Moses. See map.

gracious adj 1: Anyone who can keep his mouth shut while you talk. 2: Anyone who ignores a debt, having neither the stomach for violence or the money for conspiracy.

Graham’s Analysis obs The big problem with National Deaf Awareness Week is that nobody hears about it.

grateful adj 1: arch Experiencing the emotion of gratitude. 2: ctmp Being less than horrified at the dismal prospect afforded by service industry employment.

gratitude n Unresolved resentment.

gravy n A substance made from the fat sweated off of various and sundry meats, often augmented with flour, water, salt, pepper and cholesterol. Those gravies that taste okay, anyway. A recent innovation of the home entertainment industry is a soda reputed to taste like turkey gravy and mashed potatoes, especially if one is drunk.

grief n 1: arch Intense deep sorrow. 2: ctmp An emotion commonly felt over the loss of total strangers, far, far away. Generally felt most intensely by those not anywhere near the actual death site who are highly trained and accomplished in self-absorption.

group analysis n A late twentieth century fad description of group discussion. Generally, a group of people sit around together, ostensibly looking for solutions to problems. If one or two individuals actually have ideas during the session that might possibly be worth pursuing, the ideas are written down, the group spends twenty minutes congratulating itself, and then all go about their business. The actual worth of the idea(s) can be measured by how long it takes to actually try them out. Really superb ideas generally have the serial number quickly filed off and are reiterated in upper management groups with no attribution.

grunge n A variety of music derived from rock and roll, typified by experienced clothing and good credit at Goodwill or The Salvation Army. Note, however, that grunge is one of the few things ever known to have escaped from a garage. See garage.

guarantee n Something promised to the gullible, the inexperienced, or terminally trusting.