the revised devil's dictionary

J j

Jacob's Joke maxim A cursory inspection of the world indicates that God or the gods should not be worshiped so much as blamed.

Janus myth Roman god with two faces. The patron saint of populist political campaigners.

jargonish n A creole language derived from Geek and English.

jerky n Meat that has been punished enough.

Jerome’s Law maxim While the mark of a saint may be that nasty, uncharitable thoughts never occur, the mark of a nice person is that they do, only no one ever knows.

jihad n Either a Muslim Holy War or Act V of the ecumenical movement depending upon whether or not one prays toward Mecca or banks.

journalist n A person employed in the profession of journalism, which sounds better than it is. In point of fact, the term journalism comes from the root word journal which makes no guaranty of either accuracy or truthfulness. Nor of candor, literacy, plausibility, timeliness, specificity, pertinence, usefulness or reasonability. None of the above should be applied to the profession of journalism unless one has both a strong stomach and a cruel sense of humor. Journalists call whatever project they are working on a story. That should be warning enough for even the most credulous.

judge n A person who acts as a playground monitor between defense and prosecution during a courtroom trial. Generally judges content themselves with reading Boating, Fishing, or Bridge magazines during the trial itself, surfacing for air only when a plaintive whine of objection is heard.

judgment n My lucid analysis of your disgusting prejudice.

jury n A panel of one’s peers, provided that one has never read a newspaper, attended college, or formed a coherent opinion, impaneled to hear testimony in a courtroom case for meager pay in lousy company during weird hours. Juries are comprised of people considered to be of marginal worth by employers which possibly explains jury awards in civil cases. You get what you pay for.

justice n 1: The punishment, chastisement, or reeducation of others, achieved through the moral use of lengthy and intense lecturing. 2: Shoes two sizes too small, worn by a thief. 3: Political suicide, ideally committed live on prime time. See Lyndon Johnson, or Richard Nixon. 4: Revenge in formal attire. 5: Obscure term linking the inevitability of doom with the certain knowledge of sin.

justify v One’s weak attempt to provide some rational, no matter how silly, for any preconceived notion currently squatting in the squalor of one’s mind. See rationalize.