the revised devil's dictionary


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last of a dying breed phr An occasional smoker.

law n 1: arch Any code of conduct comprised of formally agreed upon community standards of morality, enforced by implacable, unreasonable, and exempt authority. 2: contmp A statute; what the powers that be figure you need in order to be safe, secure, docile, and quiet. Particularly quiet. 3: A blunt object occasionally found at the scene of a mistrial.

legislative committee n The crippler of young forests.

liberal n One who has elevated whining to the level of self-avowed sainthood. See conservative.

liberator n One who lifts the yoke of oppression from a people and holds it aloft in the bright, brief glare of media scrutiny before replacing it with a new one of personal design.

liberty n A sailorís vacation or escape, depending on whether or not one was awake during the boarding process.

license n Bureaucratic red-tape allowing any action as long as the necessary fees such as shipping, handling and kickbacks, have been paid.

lie n Inconvenient facts.

life n That span of time between birth and death, generally made up of minor fluctuations of fortune otherwise known as unconsolidated debt.

life insurance n A bet with an insurance company. What youíre actually doing is saying to the company, hereís a hundred bucks; I bet Iím going to die. At which point, the insurance company checks with a doctor and if he agrees that itís a sucker call, says sure. About the only way you can win is by loosing a pedal extremity under an accidental death and dismemberment policy, which I donít exactly term winning. See organ donation.

Limbaugh, Rush pers Radio experiment in the marketing of dead air time. It seems to be successful.

lips n A pair of fleshy thing-a-ma-bobs that allow the opening of the mouth, often at inopportune times with distasteful results, such as bruises and subsequent blood loss. Advances in medicine over the last several decades has furnished this minor pair of body parts with a much more peaceful and fulfilling use: Long term storage of excess butt fat. See Angelina Jolie.

listen vi. 1: If one is in management, the act of framing a reply while waiting for an opportunity to speak. 2: If one is an employee, the complete acceptance of a policy position, particularly if it [the polity] is contrary to oneís own welfare, ethics, or common sense.

literature n Any writing characterized by inordinate smugness, gratuitous ambiguity, whiny characters, or excruciatingly boring plot.

liver n An internal organ. In Scotland, this organ is often eaten. In Iceland, it is pickled.

llama n A reputably domesticated animal which has many of the same characteristics as man. Both animals spit, make odd sounds, refuse to carry oversized loads and are prone to attitude problems. The llama, however, is hairier and while smugly superior to everything around it, doesnít belabor the point, unlike man.

lobbyist n 1: Someone who is handsomely paid to put other people's money where his mouth is. 2: An individual whose defining characteristic is self-interest. Big surprise.

logic n 1: The study of the principles of reasoning, insofar as one can hammer them into something one already believes. 2: A systematic method whereby one establishes the truth and validity of oneís current beliefs. See justify.

love n, v When used as a noun, of no particular meaning. When used as a verb, it generally involves sweat. Note, though defined as a transitive verb, it generally isnít transitive enough.

loyalty n 1: Faithfulness and support of oneís employees in so far as there is no risk, no personal commitment and no capital outlay involved. 2: A one way street.

luck n One of the oddest words in the English languageóindeed, probably in all languages since it seems to be a fundamental concept of cognitive thought. Many people have the belief that luck is a force of sorts that visits people from time to time, acting like an intoxicated woman of occasional virtue. That is to say, either like a sloppy drunk raring to go or a grumpy drunk about to get nasty. Others, this lexicographer included, view the term to be a convenient descriptive noun, categorizing events into three categories: Good, bad and who the hell cares?

Lulayís Lament obs Just when you think you know your boss, he gets fired, sentenced, or goes mad. If you really have him pegged, all three.

lynch vt To render staunchly upright via a simple pulley mechanism comprised of rope and branch. One can tell how well-meaning such acts are by the fact that itís consider a party activity. See necktie party.

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