the revised devil's dictionary


Macbethís Conclusion obs Women are the weaker sex only insofar as they generally require the use of both hands to slit a throat properly.

Madonna pers Quintessential example of the power of self-promotion.

maladroit adj Anybody at least slightly more clumsy than you. People who have a difficult time simultaneously walking and telling a lie. See Ron Ziegler.

malevolent adj 1: Anyone who takes your parking spot. 2: A creditor. 3: Anyone able to give an accurate account of your actions.

malinger v An informal and popular activity of teenagers, often on street corners or in shopping malls. See loiter.

malware n Software written by Microsoft.

manager n 1: An egotistic lemming, often with delusions of competency, able to leap small bandwagons with a single phrase. 2. One who occupies oneís time with meetings, seminars, and training, thereby keeping oneself out of the way of people who are actively trying to accomplish something.

mandate n An overwhelming abundance of approval, indicated by any margin of victory greater than three paper ballot votes, or three thousand electronic ones.

manuscript n A repository for typos.

marketing n 1: In business, the highest calling of the huckster. 2: In government, deceit, hypocrisy and misrepresentation as an art form. 3: The art of selling the inexplicable to the uninterested for an ungodly amount.

marketing ploy n Scam.

marry v What one does with half empty, bachelor bottles of bourbon.

martyr n A person with poor reaction time.

masochist n Anyone who enjoys pain, humiliation, or working with children. See sadist.

mass hysteria n Societyís most popular activity.

Matherís Contention maxim Good luck has as much to do with our lives about as much as good intentions influence results.

maxim n Conventional folk wisdom on steroids.

McLaine, Shirley pers Actress and leading proponent of the New Age movement. Living evidence that acting, as an occupation, does not require normal brain function. See Ronald Reagan.

measurable adj 1: Capable of quantification in a meaningful way. 2: In business, all activities. Modern business theory holds that everything is measurable, thereby providing the foundation for performance measurement. While a cursory examination of this idea seems farfetched, a deeper, more reasoned analysis shows that it is merely absurd.

megakill n During slow news days or imploding public scandals, the amount of coverage CNN and Fox News will assign to a news story, often non-stop and very similar to being inside an infinite loop in a computer.

medicine n Any substance that causes physical effects when taken internally, benign or otherwise, or is patentable by drug companies.

melancholy adj The sweet sadness of self-absorption.

memorabilia n Somebody elseís junk, if that somebody happens to be famous or important. Junk from famous and important people is called expensive and generally gets taxed. Heavily.

memo n 1: The preferred method of informing staff of layoffs. 2: In an established bureaucracy, he best way to keep others misinformed.

mentor n 1: A person who assumes the role of teacher and propagandist to a younger, less experienced and therefore more malleable person. 2: Someone who is skilled in explaining how things are done, rather than doing them. 3: An egotist.

mercury n 1: Chemical element. Mercury deposits are found in several states in the west and in all fish in Lake Erie. 2: Embittered Roman God of Loan Sharks and Physicians. 3: First planet in the solar system, closest to the sun and a potential vacation hot spot, assuming of course that melanoma is your goal.

meritorious adj Any action which has witnesses and costs you a minimum of effort.

misanthrope n A person with who holds a cautious, realistic, and justifiable assessment of humanity. See misogynist.

miscellaneous adj The magic box of double entry bookkeeping and government.

misinformed adj 1: Having access to information that came from sources other than the front office. 2: Drawing correct inferences of a situation from official responses.

misogynist n An incautious person whoís half right. See misanthrope.

misquoted adj Paraphrase quotation, albeit it accurately. See quoted out of context.

mission n An announced set of objectives, serving the purpose of diverting attention from currently evolving scandals or lack of performance.

mission critical deliverables phr In management theory, a pompous way of saying goals. (Note: Uses 22 more letters, 9 more syllables, and 2 extra words. These are the same folks, God help us, who are supposed to be in charge of efficiency)

MMBA abbr Refers to a psychological condition of depression experienced by non-natives when presented with the enormity of the African veldt. Short for Miles and Miles of Bloody Africa.

mob rule n Empirical proof that stupidity is catching.

monograph n 1: Writing of either essay or book length on a specific, very limited aspect of a subject. Generally itís considered a good literary policy in a monograph, to bludgeon the subject (and thus the reader) into an insensate mass of confused parts, string-up whatís left in whatever order one feels is fashionable, and then proceed on, ignoring the shocked silence of onlookers. 2: The natural prey of the three-toed pedant. At this time, no one knows or cares if it is endangered.

monopoly n A condition where most if not all, materials, goods, or services are available through a single source. Some services are considered to be naturally monopolistic in structure (such as power or communications), while others are resistant to monopolistic tendencies, such as advice, talk, stupidity, and veniality.

monotheism n. The belief that one supreme malign thug of a God beats a full house of malign thug gods.

moral n 1: Conforming to a code or ethic while not being too burdensome in practice. 2: Punch line for a fable or story, pithily summing up the meaning while in actual fact, saying nothing.

morale n The general tenor, tone, or attitude of a group of individuals. If low, managers typically blame a hard core of cynical individuals for the current state. If high, managers, particularly those who have the least interaction or respect for the workers, claim responsibility. See crab.

MPD abbr Short for Male Pattern Dithering. A marketing method originating in the assumption that anyone who voluntarily will watch more than forty-eight minutes of television a day, can be convinced of at least three impossible or nonsensical things a day. Example: Less Filling. Tastes Great.

MWA abbr Short for Management by Wandering Around. This used to be call senility.

multifaceted adj 1: A dilettante, lacking in depth of character, education, integrity, and industry. 2: Any program or process described by a supporter or inventor whose justification can not be described in a meaningful manner.

Muslim adj A person who believes an Arab merchant was the last messenger from god with a capital G. Muslims believe the Koran is perfect, having been carefully brought down, piece by piece, from Heaven via the archangel Gabriel, to Mohammad in what was probably the definitive example of overnight delivery. One should note that those places in Koran that contradict each other are not mistakes, just amendments (the invention of white-out being centuries in the future), even if they are total reversals of *policy*. Some salient points of Islam are: Women are worth exactly half of a man, which most likely came about do to a *rounding* error, Marids and Jinn have real existence and large black stones are holy particularly if cubic in form and bigger than a breadbox.

myomancy n Divination by means of mice. Ancient texts are not clear whether anything other than cheese is ever found.

myth n Any historic fact at variance with oneís tenderly held misconceptions or prejudices. See Galileo. See mythology.

mythology n 1: The Bush administrationís justification of invading Iraq. 2: A group or connected series of tales that provide a convenient hook for derision. Post-modernists often deride science as being nothing more than a mythology cobbled together over time. This is a strange argument to employ, considering that post-modernists believe everything is a myth, there being no such thing as objective truth which makes post-modernist thought not objective truth either.