the revised devil's dictionary


nativity scene n A close to life size model of the birth of the Christ child while Mary was still too groggy from the general anesthetic to realize that the manger was full up, too. Also known to as God's Gift to Lawyers.

naturopathic adj A non-formalized, non-traditional and non-effective school of medical treatment that utilizes entirely natural substances such as herbs or leaves to treat diseases, injuries and psychosomatic illness. Some example naturopathic medicines in use today would be witch hazel, ginkgo, fox glove, asafetida and urine.

Nazi n 1: (archaic) A member of the National Socialist Party of Germany. 2: Anyone you don’t like and of European heritage.

necklacing n 1: Formal ethnic interplay between Zulu and Xhosha tribesman. 2: A curious custom of late twentieth century Southern Africa. An individual has a Dunlop tire placed around his neck, which is then ignited with gasoline. Not normally a custom in North America, an analogous situation is being interviewed by Mike Wallace.

neighbor n A geographic irritation, especially those who have an interest in stockpiling automotive spare parts manufactured before 1970.

neo-con n A recent addition to the political lexicon, denoting someone who is compassionately totalitarian, yet pro-life for Homo sapiens under a minute old or dying in excruciating pain.

nerve gas n Any number of gases that affect mammalian neurons, used by the Soviets for crowd control in Kurdistan, and by Japanese Buddhist sects as a basis for the generation of peaceful neighborhood watch groups.

network vi 1: (business) The act of keeping others aware of the fact that they owe you, big time. 2: n A structure or system erected by individuals in order to capitalize on the inadequacies of their network peers.

neutral n A person whose prejudice is so terribly obscure, so incomprehensible, or so transparent that others see no purpose in silencing that person. See Edmund Muskie or Gerald Ford.

NNevilles Contention obs Humanity's capacity to believe in nonsense is only exceeded by the depth and ferocity with which they will hold it.

New Jersey n 1: One of the thirteen original colonies which consequently became one of the original thirteen states of the union. Known as The Garden State because only one garden has ever been known to exist there. The current location of that garden is considered a state secret. 2: Home of the News Jersey Times Best Seller list. The list of the last years is as follows:

The New Jersey Times Best Seller’s List


1: Seppuku for Dummies
2: The Cholesterol Diet
3: Women Who Run With Wolves and the Men Who Shear Them
4: Zen and the Art of Terrorism
5: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From 1311 Sycamore Street
6: Bill Gates: The Ethics of Geek Greed
7: It Takes A Village and $373, 291.38
8: How to Make a Million Pushing Things that Don’t Exist
Everything I Needed to Know I Learned at MIT
10: What Color Is Your Anchor?


1: The Sewers of Madison County
2: Star Wars XXIV: Attack of the Clods
3: Supply Side Economics
4: The Blair Witch Day School
5: A Tree Grows in Auschwitz
6: 2011: The Year We Lose Contact
7: The Ctz’lkekkizjkl’’zcaks’hcik’kity Horror
8: Indiana Jones and the Privy of Doom
9: Seven Bribes for Seven Brothers

10: Lord of the Fries

New Year’s holiday Idiotic holiday contrivance dedicated to frenetic group stupidity, mobbing as an outdoor activity, pointless recriminations confined to the last 365 days, wash and wear resolutions and Dick Clark. This lexicographer last attended a New Year’s Eve party when he worked a catered topless bar event as a bartender while in college.

nihilist n A person who believes that things are so bad that they can only get better by getting worse. While this may seem silly, after a few mugging, a few hits of acid, or a few keelhaulings, it has a certain masochistic rationality to it. Seppuku is less strenuous, however.

Nike n. Greek Goddess of victorious running shoes.

nirvana n 1. (Common) A physical and spiritual condition arising from a total lack of thought and rationality. e.g. Standing in a crowd of 13,293 screaming people while being subjected to 103 dB of rock music played by dudes who may nor may not be armed with high powered guns. 2. (Religious) The spiritual condition where the soul is freed from all that enslaves. e.g. emotions, stress, movement, light. Biologists call this condition dead.

Nixon, Richard pers Former president of the United States and the only one to ever have a close personal relationship with plumbers.

nocturnal adj Any five year old able to play the piano. Other instruments and their adjectives: Gifted, violin. Deaf, electric guitar. Sick, accordion.

North and South Dakota n Two states of the union, currently near Montana and Canada. No more commentary is necessary than to note that the most interesting part of either state is called the Badlands.

nothing n Something that isn’t.

novelty n Something unfamiliar but not yet painful.

nuclear adj 1: (popular) Anything too small to be seen or complicated to be understood in 30 seconds of air time. 2: (environmental) Something evil, dangerous and expensive, in that order. 3: (political) A family of four, unable to vote in anything other than a block of four. See census.

nurture v. To rear without leaving any visible scars.

nutria n A rodent introduced into the Northwestern United States during the 1930’s, much like a muskrat on irradiated steroids. The teeth are a lovely shade of orange and large enough to convince Rottweilers to give up meat

nutritionally nonviolent n 1. Any food that doesn’t fight on the way down or up. 2: Low in fiber.