the revised devil's dictionary


O o

objective reality n 1: If not dangerous, anything that three or more senses agree upon. If dangerous, one convinced sense and a working pair of legs. 2: (post-modernist) An illusion, open to societal interpretation and consensus. Or not.

obese adj Anyone who makes roughly the same wages you do and weighs more. See fat, big-boned.

Occam’s Razor maxim When two or more theories fit circumstances, that theory is best which is the least complicated.

offend v To violate the sensibilities of others. This assumes, of course, that others can have sensibilities, something not yet proven to my satisfaction.

Office of Homeland Security phr A brand new federal department built largely upon the corpse of a gutted Bill of Rights.

Offler’s Law obs The only thing more gullible than a cable network reporter, is a cable network viewer. In a clear case of self-defense, civilized society has branded the cloning of either to be in poor taste, boring and pointless.

old growth n Any tree older than the average age of the Supreme Court.

omen n Any random event that one observes which happens to occur before any other random event, especially if the second event is unpleasant or involves the loss of money.

opinion n Any fact that is plain as a pikestaff and politically unwise to acknowledge.

opportunity n  A chance or opening for selected individuals to be moved to a “better” job. Actual worth of the new position varies inversely with the reported size of the opportunity.

opposition n Anyone not screaming their support at the top of their lungs.

optimist n 1: An individual who sees a partial cup of hemlock as half-full. 2: Someone who tries for an inside straight, when playing with a marked deck, dealt by somebody named Lucky.

oral tradition n Any knowledge passed down verbally from one generation to another, even if it makes no sense at all. Current academic thought holds that anything preserved by oral tradition is twelve times more important than any written document. This may be because oral traditions are a scream to read. The Harvard mathematician Tom Lehrer believes that gargling is the oldest oral tradition known.

O’Reilly, Bill person Rightwing reporter/commentator for Fox News. His pithless observations display all of the charm one can expect of a concussed skunk.

organ donation v 1: The donation, to unknown individuals, of one’s organs, of uncertain worth. Kind of a bent leisure activity for the terminally ill. 2: Parting out of the dead. See life insurance.

outsourcing v 1: In modern government obtaining materials or services externally, especially if by doing so, the “books” will appear to have a lower cash outlay. See double entry booking, 2: Going out to lunch 3: Receiving an organ donation

ozone n 1: A botched form of molecular oxygen characterized by an electronic resonance state roughly analogous to schizophrenia. 2: The most common storage location for the chemically inclined and the chronically bemused. Seems to have an infinite storage capacity.

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