the revised devil's dictionary


sadist n 1: People who enjoy inflicting pain, humiliation, or children upon others. 2: A person who has the gall to call oneís failings to light.

safe haven n 1: A secure place (hence, a haven) where a snitch can be stored, until such time as they can be conveniently (hence, safely) disposed. 2: A place where youíre only bombed three times a day.

safe sex n A solitary activity.

samurai n From Japanese, a samurai is a warrior following the Bushido code, which places a modicum of emphasis on personal honor and an overwhelming emphasis on feudalism and murder. The cutting edge of feudalism, as it were.

saint n One able to tolerate the presence of human beings without going postal. See angelic.

sanity n An unpleasant mental condition in which one perceives reality in an unambiguous, logical, and rational manner for periods of time as long as five or six seconds. If this condition should overtake you, simply pause, take three or four deep breaths and then go on about your business. The longest documented time recorded of this condition was achieved in 1913, by Henry Almetier of Great Neck, Wisconsin, when he fell off his wagon and broke his leg, miles from the nearest habitation. For the next six minutes, twenty-one seconds, Henry was entirely sane, trying to figure out how to get to the nearly full bottle of Bourbon he had in the back of the wagon. He might have made ten minutes, but a passing stranger, seeing his plight, took the whiskey and robbed Henry before going on his way.

satirist n A pernicious half-wit. Fortunately for society, they generally have a great deal of difficulty in reproducing since only masochists are titillated by ridicule. See Rush Limbaugh.

saponification n In TV land, the end result of soap opera consumption. Stupefaction without a doctorate. See stupefaction.

SB abbr Short for spherical bastard, from Dr. Fred Zwicky, about Mt. Palomar astronomers. A person who is a bastard no matter what way you look at him.

Scare Tactics n A TV show, the direct descendant of the Gong Show and something of a miracle to boot, since no one has sued the people responsible for the show into oblivion. A noted pop-psychology magazine Health, Home, and Hemophiliacs has conducted a study and determined the probable reason for this odd fact: All of the families involved with the program are members of obscure cults that either forbid the use of lawyers of encourage the sniffing of glue.

Scottís Bewailment maxim Fanaticism travels better than reason. Quicker, too.

scriptural adj A story or press release whose veracity is unquestioned, chiefly because large sums of money are involved. See apocryphal.

security n An elusive mental state generated by fear and pursued religiously by the untalented, the unlovable, and the unwealthy.

seeker n Either someone searching for something (usually intangible or difficult to believe in) or possibly a person overly inclined to beards, turbans and swords who canít spell.

self-confidant n Deluded.

self-denigration n Doing your oppositionís work for them.

self-empowerment n 1: An attempted coup. 2: A concealed weapon permit.

senile adj 1: Over thirty. 2: Anyone who is experiencing decaying brain function, other than boxers or senators. The former are called punch-drunk while the latter, The Honorable.

sensible adj Someone who daydreams in Black and White.

sensitive adj Prone to take offense at imagined slights, such as repeated and prolonged ridicule.

sessile adj A Neilsen family.

Seven Wonders of the World phr 1: The ancient wonders of the world were: The Great Pyramids of Egypt, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Temple of Diana at Ephestus, the Statue of Zeus at Olympia, the Lighthouse of Alexandria, the Mausoleum of King Mausolos at Halicarnassus, and the Colossus of Rhodes. 2: The contemporary wonders of the world are Ronald Reaganís definition of a vegetable, any living fish in Lake Superior, Roman Catholic birth control, Politically Correct public policy, the Exxon sea captain training program, Channeling, and the advertisement of feminine hygiene products.

sex n 1: A classification of oneís reproductive equipment or function. 2: A small data entry field on surveys limited to the choices of male, female, and always.

share v To receive something from someone, particularly if one has no right to it or is undeserving. See fair share.

shave v The removal of hair utilizing extremely sharp blades. Originally, shaving was performed by barbers and other trusted folk, using just one sharp blade. This was never a very popular activity, however, because no sane individual relishes the idea of allowing anybody to mess around with their face or neck with such dangerous implements. The only truly safe way to shave is to not use anything sharp. Impartial observers, most of whom wear full beards, have pointed out that the term safety razor was introduced about the same time that World War I was in full swing and the Western Allies still had high hopes for direct frontal assaults featuring bayonets against entrenched positions, surly people wearing spiked helmets, and machine guns. One might guess the term has a different meaning at the time.

sheep n A domesticated animal, generally not suitable as a pet. They donít make good companions, largely because they resist house training with remarkable strength and tend to be interested in only three pursuitsósex, food and not getting eaten. The last of these pursuits should be deemed not only appropriate but worthwhile, since this lexicographer is totally in favor of not eating sheep. Ever. Mutton is not a part of any sane diet known to man, largely because lanolin is not a recognized member of any of the four food groups.

shingle n American slang for any semi-grain derived food used to hold unappetizing, gunky foods, especially if the recipes commonly make two hundred servings.

sick adj Not well, ill. People who feel this way occasionally are sometimes called patients. People who feel this way most of the time are called hypochondriacs by doctors or malingerers by HMOís.

Simpson, O. J. pers Former football star, actor, and current owner of the Guinness Book of World Records title for most time under pointless and stupefying discussion by television commentators.

sin n Any thought or deed that fails to adhere to the moral codes of people with far too much free time on their hands and not enough sense to mind their own bloody business.

sincere adj The most popular costume of the wardrobe called politics. See trust.

sitcom n Twenty minutes in frantic search for a sponsor.

skeptic n 1: A wary individual who, when presented with claims, sits back and waits for the profit motive to become evident. 2: Someone with very quick eyes. 3: A transitional phase from idealist to cynic.

slush n Snow with a split personality or money kept in reserve for a get-away, depending upon oneís business dealings.

small pox n A viral disease with the pleasing attribute of being both extinct and easily available. See biological warfare.

snail n A member of the mollusk family of fine foods, if one is either desperate, drunk or French.

soap n 1: In chemistry, any hydrolytic alkaline compound, capable of emulsifying a fatty deposit. 2: In entertainment, a brain emulsifying agent.

soccer n A European warm-up exercise for rioting.

socialist n A person who believes that people have an intrinsic right to the necessities of life. Socialism comes in a variety of degrees, ranging from the rightist socialism of 1930ís Germany (Necessities: beer, bread, and bonfires), the mainstream socialism of England (Necessities: beer, bread, soccer, and post-soccer health care), to the leftist socialism of Sweden (Necessities: beer, broads, and soccer, pre & post beer, broads, and soccer health care). Russian socialism, though a failed venture, had the necessities pegged as vodka, tobacco, and detox.

soft money n Any check received by a political candidate that is made out to ďWhoeverĒ. As opposed to ďhard moneyĒ which is money given to a candidate directly.

soul mate n Anyone who is attracted to your body odor.

Sousaís Brass Law obs There is no surreptitious way to get spit out of a French Horn. Live with it.

spam n The Food of the Clods.

span of control phr The length of oneís whip.

specialist n One who knows an immense amount about a twig of knowledge.

speed zone n A section of highway reserved for speeding. Well, it could be.

spendy adj Anything costing more than a moment of my time or a year of yours.

spicy adj Any food which one can still taste the next day. Generally, foods that are so treated have a natural taste that often allows the food either to avoid being eaten entirely or escape afterwards. A really good spice will, of course, provide no nutrient value whatsoever.

spin doctor n A sleight-of-mouth practitioner.

spiritual adj 1: A type of folk song characterized by solo melodic caterwauling and numbingly repetitious refrains. The latter is of course, what places it squarely in the folk song category and is not an indictment of worth or lack thereof. 2: Of or pertaining to things that canít be seen, smelled, tasted, touched or possibly reasoned with. Since most truly spiritually oriented people canít be reasoned with either, the last can hardly be considered surprising. See religion. See faith. See fraud.

spiritually challenged adj Self-indulgent, venal, or stupid. Occasionally all three.

spiritually deprived adj Dead.

spiritually disenfranchised adj Excommunicated, amoral, or from Buford, Georgia.

spiritually impaired adj Corrupt.

stance n An affectation of principles.

star n 1: An astronomical object of superheated gases, generally possessing little density. 2: A celebrity or super-hot property also possessing very little density.

statesman n In America, a popular and as yet unindicted politician. In Russia, a popular and, if critical of the current government, missing politician.

Stewart, Martha pers The quintessential example of obsessive-compulsive behavior. On one horribly bent Sunday morning at 6:00 AM, I watched the woman vacuum an evergreen shrub.

strategic alliance n A partnership between businesses, based on greed, mutual distrust and fear.

straw poll n A quick and dirty sampling of opinion when the result is known before hand, thus confirming the brilliance of pedants and pollsters.

stubborn adj In dictionaries, a word sandwiched between resolute and tenacious but a hell of a lot closer to stupid.

stupid adj 1: In olden times one limited in intellect. 2: In modern times an individual who either makes less than you do, or is larger than you and out of earshot. 3: Anyone able to draw incorrect conclusions from sufficient data.

surf v An activity wherein an individual moves from website to website or channel to channel without leaving a discernible wake, having a discernible purpose or evincing a coherent thought. Such people generally have the attention span of inflamed and enraged edible fungi.

succotash n Lima beans and corn, mashed together. Often concealed where one would least expect it, a dinner plate. Best eaten during full eclipses, power-outages and romantic dinners utilizing less than four candles.

success n Earning the hatred of those you despise.

super collider n Demolition derby for protons.

survivor series n A relatively new fad, thankfully waning now, in TV programming in which a group of superbly avaricious strangers try to survive the close proximity of each other, while the audience is challenged to survive the ceaseless after-event prattle analysis of who did what to whom for how much with which results. Itís about the only venue that Tonya Harding has not explored as yet, which ought to recommend it but doesnít somehow.

Susanís Theology of Politics maxim Itís not who you know, what you know, or how much you know; itís how much what you know about whom.

Susanís Theory of Teenage Misery obs Donít settle for something simple when you can agonizingly search for the arcane. (from Susan Browning)

sushi n A Japanese staple food which is actually a method of preparation, if one can call slicing up fish and serving them raw preparation. This lexicographer doesnít.

sweet sixteen TV show. A display of diseased decadence wherein a Paris Hilton wannabe is given full sway to exhibit her puerile petulance for roughly thirty minutes. This show is probably the best argument for class warfare in existence.