the revised devil's dictionary

U u

UFO abbr In the Midwest, anything seen after dark and six beers. In Oregon, the sun.

unconventional adj 1: Not currently in vogue, generally for the last fifty or more years or for the next twenty. 2: Any political activity or process that fails to fawn on the current power base. 3: In educational circles, adding 3 + 4 to get 9. If one corrects oneself within thirty seconds, one is then not only unconventional, but brilliant.

Undecidability Theorem law 1: In mathematics, any system of logic sufficiently rich as to have meaningful statements will generate statements that can not be decided under the system. 2 In human terms this translates to: While the budget lasts, nothing can be decided.

unity n Common agreement, generally arising out of mutual fear.

Ursula’s Contention maxim The pull date for cute is 24 for girls, 15 for boys—except in the case of boys in private English boarding schools, where’s it’s 36.

Utiger’s Observation maxim If you need the longest lasting substance in known universe, incorruptible over eons of time, human stupidity is your only option.

utilitainment adj Anything that endeavors to be both utilitarian and entertaining such as activities like US. Congressional elections, where hundreds of useless people are given something to do while providing material for comedy improvisation.

utopia n A place where science and technology provide solutions (cheap power, creature comforts, education) without repercussions (toxic waste, drug addiction, daytime television).