the revised devil's dictionary


V v

Vanderhofís Law obs Voters are not naturally as ignorant as politicians like. Thatís why television was invented.

vanishing point n 1: In art, that point where two parallel lines appear to meet. 2: In medicine, that point where a patientís money appears to dry up.

vanity n One of the seven deadly sins considered to be a plus if one is in education, business, law, management, politics, or entertainment. Come to think of it, about the only two professions that donít seem to require a large measure of it are the oldest (whore) and the one of the newest (television evangelist), which may indicate that they have something in common.

vengeance n 1: (Oneís own) Justice. 2: (Otherís) Injustice.

victim n 1: Anyone who can hire a lawyer. 2: Anyone subjected to daytime TV.

vigilant adj Someone who is either paid to be a pain in the ass or is just naturally very good at it. The vigilant inherit the earth right next to the meek and nearly as deep, if they get too bloody loud about it.

violin n A stringed instrument which employs seasoned wood to amplify shrill and strident noises. In civilized countries, a license and a cooling-off period are required before one can buy one.

virtual reality n Any reality that canít nail your carcass to the wall if you make a mistake.

visionary n 1: One who foresees pleasant, peaceful, happy results as the outcome of any particular action or program. 2: One subject to hallucinations. See Lourdes, St. Bernadette, and the visionaries of the Grotto. 3: Powered by mushrooms.

vote n A formal expression of oneís gullibility, prejudice, and greed and therefore the basis for true representative government.

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